The weather is spectacular. It's cloudy, it rains and winds so fiercely. I just stood on my balcony for a while, the wind blew through me and I cried. I could smell pines, fresh grass and the wet ground, rain. Such a beautiful, bitter sweet moment. And I was so alone, only with the universe around me and within me.

Sometimes in the night I wake up suddenly to a fear, of existential loneliness, of being so very alone. I am not alone, if I don't want to be. But this is different, I feel this longing within me... to be found in an extraordinary way, to be seen in an unique way, to be seen wholly by someone and to be loved truly.

Photo by Christopher Martin.

"It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…"

- Aldous Huxley

Tear in your hand

It hurts so bad; so good; is there really a difference when it comes to pain? Pain is pain. It's this feeling of helplessness, feeling of being left out and the fear of being left behind; however irrational it might be and how irrational it really is. I feel like a burden on his shoulders, I no longer feel like the smile on his sweet lips.

I'd still never want him to go. I'd never want him to leave my life. I'd never want him to disappear. I always want him to stay.

Strong and humble; sad and determined. Just the feelings I have been feeling recently. I love this photograph.

I've had a nice night with the charming company of my dog. I cooked and had some red wine and watched a great movie called The Beginners.

I am alone. I don't complain. And I'll never lose hope.

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists 

I never did anything to you, man 

But no matter what I try 
You'll beat me with your bitter lies 
So call me crazy, hold me down 

Make me cry; get off now, baby - 

It won't be long till you'll be 

Lying limp in your own hand