Tear in your hand

It hurts so bad; so good; is there really a difference when it comes to pain? Pain is pain. It's this feeling of helplessness, feeling of being left out and the fear of being left behind; however irrational it might be and how irrational it really is. I feel like a burden on his shoulders, I no longer feel like the smile on his sweet lips.

I'd still never want him to go. I'd never want him to leave my life. I'd never want him to disappear. I always want him to stay.

Strong and humble; sad and determined. Just the feelings I have been feeling recently. I love this photograph.

I've had a nice night with the charming company of my dog. I cooked and had some red wine and watched a great movie called The Beginners.

I am alone. I don't complain. And I'll never lose hope.

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists 

I never did anything to you, man 

But no matter what I try 
You'll beat me with your bitter lies 
So call me crazy, hold me down 

Make me cry; get off now, baby - 

It won't be long till you'll be 

Lying limp in your own hand 

Dream obscene

This is a day for 'Special Needs'. Been listening to it on repeat, over twenty times now I'm sure.

Remember me through flash photography and screams 
Remember me, special dreams 

My sister told me that there is something in my voice that makes her think that I have all the burdens of the world on my shoulders. I don’t feel that way – but I know what she meant. Some words leave wounds that can at first seem deep but will heal with time. I am healing.  After all, for me he will always be only a 

A thunder holds a resemblance to my heart. I sit here staring at the sky waiting for the flashlight. And when it comes I jump a little - and then I wait for the sound.

A teardrop on the corner of my eye leaves a dotted line on my cheek just like the rain does on the window. Every little detail counts.

I am in the eye of the storm.

It's an illusion.

At times I wish he could've been that radical.


And at times I realize what a blessing it is that he wasn't.

How strange life is. This is something that I've found to be the fact of life; it's strange.  I am afraid of writing these lines but I still do write them: nobody really knows what it is. Not thoroughly. It's not necessarily a bad or a sad thing, why couldn't it be a positive thing instead? A little frightening maybe, but if you find something to believe in, I think life can be good. It can be worth of a thousand things, a thousand heartaches and miseries. It can be worth a thousand bad and fucked up things - when there are those good moments, things, minutes. To life for.

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Is it really always my fault? I cannot comprehend this all, and all I am left with is this feeling that she’s changed, and that’s all. I really began to think about it, said it out loud, and all I can do is cry. Things change. People change. Lives change. Relationships change. Friendships change. I change. Everything changes. There’s a constant change in life, in it’s pulse, nothing stays the way it was. If I’ve learnt something, it’s that nothing stays the same. You can get used to it and find comfort and hope in it, or you can fight against it and get lost. Not always is change a bad thing. It might be painful, but in the end not as bad as you thought it would be. Or other way around.

I find hope in thinking that everything happens for a reason and because of things I cannot yet understand. Or for reasons that I will never understand. C'est La Vie.

It’s late. I should sleep.

Summer is here.

It's odd. How I am still in one piece. He crushed me, again. I have never gone so low before - because of his words, actions, truth. Yet I am still breathing. It feels surreal. Like a little miracle. The sun feels like a miracle.

After last night; everything is a little miracle.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

— Mad Girl’s Love Song by Sylvia Plath

What is beautiful in life?

I think of myself as a aesthete, I enjoy things that are beautiful and I like to surround myself with pretty things. I spot beautiful features in human beings just as in animals and in nature - and I have some great vivid memories from beautiful places, nature spots or human faces. But I found myself pondering just a moment ago - what is beautiful in life?

x  a smiling friend
x shadows
x snowflakes
x the sky (whether it is sunny or cloudly, dark or bright)
x the surface of water; waves; the way the water sings when i dive
x happiness in dog's eyes
x flowers that start to bloom after long winter
x songs that touch my heart
x birds
x horses that run free
x trees; coming to life after coldness
x the first words of a favorite book
x the first melodies of a favorite song
x the curve of lover's lips
x silence
x love

This 3 whole days away from here is truly what I need. I need to calm down and I need to find something else to think about. And when I go to my hometown, there will definitely be other things to think about. Plus I've got Paolo Coelho's 'I sat down by the river Piedra and wept' to read, and I decided I'm gonna read it on this holiday. I'm gonna spend time with loved ones, but also get some time to read and take photographs - something I miss but haven't done in a while. I actually gotta find my camera first, cos I haven't used it in such a while.

Good things
x when my current favourite artist looked me in the eyes and smiled last Sunday. What a gig, what a feeling.
x memories from last Sunday: the way he smiled at me when he hugged me, his silky hair, the first kiss, his hand on my back, murmurs
x tulips (can't get enough)
x spring; sunshine
x going home; away from the street dust!
x 11:11, make a wish
x laughter with friends, such a sweet bliss
x my sister's bravery
x my patience
x owls

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depend's on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

{Oliver}

SPRING IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

Lately I've been on a good mood because of
x cute smiles and looks from cute boys
x sunshine
x my home
x beautiful things
x spring
x cocoa tea
x be a lighthouse